Author: Peter Carlisle

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are […]

A stagnant science is at a standstill. A theory is better than its explanation. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. Ability is a good thing but stability is even better. Ability is like […]

The penalty for jumping off a building is death. Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of […]

If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following. There would be: 57 Asians 21 Europeans 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south 8 Africans 52 would be female 48 would be male […]

You leave gigs before the encore to “beat the rush”. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section. Before […]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then […]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. It was payday, so instead of going home, hestayed out the entire weekend partying with the lads and spending his entire pay cheque. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was bollocked for nearly two hours with a […]

A mate was in Auckland recently to witness, while getting ready to fly home to Sydney, what he said was one of life’s great events. He was having a drink in one of the airport lounges when four older Kiwi farming types staggered in wearing All Blacks polo shirts. They had settled down to what […]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, “You sign! You sign!” Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there […]